My unashamed victory dance

This was originally published in The Daily Maverick

Wallow in a job superbly done. Swallow the rest of the celebratory champagne. South Africa defied the naysayers and can hardly wait a decade – a whole 10 years – for the Olympics so we can do it all again.

Just less than a year ago, I moved back to South Africa from the UK. During my time there I was told constantly by a miserable acquaintance who frequented my local that it was nutty to ever consider going back to the land which was on its own terror pathway to Zimbabwe. He told me it would get so bad we’d end up eating the dog when the tinned food ran out, and drinking out of the swimming pool. I argued with him every day and neither of us ever changed our points of view, right up to my return.

It’s a breed of people, which, as you know, is fairly prevalent – within our borders and without. Most of these miseries and their ubiquitous bitching can be seen and heard on numerous news and information websites, suburban Perth and in almost every pub in south-west London. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can get them to deviate from their devoted cause: Utter negativity for everyone.

In contrast, the applause after the 2010 World Cup is yet to die down and, continuing the great feeling of mass national pride – last felt when the Boks won the Rugby World Cup in 1995 – was an announcement that South Africa will make a bid for the 2020 Olympics. In one stunningly swift swoop we discovered the most effective way of keeping Philip here – for another 10 years, nogal.

Within 10 minutes of the announcement that South Africa was going to apply did the irrepressible South African naysayers immediately highlight themselves. I am talking about those South Africans who find it impossible to be happy about anything, who have to piss on every good event with stories of crime and how much they hate it here. Who cannot see anything good happen because it happens to share a path to success with the ruling party.

Well, you cynical bastards, we did it, and we did it well. Singing and dancing and vuvuzelas rang out among the throngs of people flooding to and from stadiums. From Cape Town to Polokwane we defied government-sanctioned songs and comment sections of the media as we were all friends for a month and ran a slick operation twixt our park-and-rides and iconic stadiums. Even with the Orange Thugs and a ball so light it defied gravity (unless Diego Forlan was kicking it), we still put on a highly entertaining spectacle. The foreign press poured praise over us (bar the odd publication – one of which involved a man who asked for help at an ATM and then got his credit card skimmed), the local press gushed and we had a month-long wankathon about our country, our guests and ourselves. And it was great. I will be hungover for days yet.

Yet, unfathomably, there are those who chose not to join in the fun – their determination to walk around with a face like a cat’s arse being outdone only by their utter resentment of good happenings in South Africa, made even worse by having these successes ratified and expanded upon by our visitors. Instead of acting like many pessimistic locals who came around and ate their previous words baked into a lovely crust of humble pie, this troupe behaves like we were all fooled into thinking the last month was fun. And that we shouldn’t have had fun in any case because South Africa has problems. The implication of having fun being that we don’t care or we think our country’s problems are solved.

While they sit there sipping their half-empty glasses of ditchwater, many of us are clinking our half-full glasses of champagne together – glasses which will overflow if either Durban or Cape Town is awarded the 2020 Olympics.

I don’t doubt the nitty-gritty is not all resolved. There has been a glut of opinions from the pens and keyboards of economists – some saying we broke even on the World Cup, some saying we didn’t, some saying they don’t know. We don’t know what colour the elephants living in the stadiums are yet. We’re still trying to work out how the new-but-very-similar-looking Hospital Bend cost R273 million.

But even the most hardcore realist couldn’t resist a smile at least once during the tournament (come on, even when England were sent packing?), notice different groups jolling together, admire the capabilities of South Africa when we all pull in the same direction, and say that it was good.

And if there is occasion to resurrect that by means of an Olympic bid, then I say we bloody do it. While some of you cry into your tea, I’m going to see if I can book flights to Durban 10 years in advance.

And my mate I mentioned at the beginning? He emailed me asking if he could stay with me when he flew out for the final. Sorry mate. We’re too busy mourning the dog we ate for dinner.

A Royale review (Cape Royale Hotel)

This was first published for GoTravel24.com.

When I review hotels I always look for something that differentiates from the norm. Most 4* and 5* hotels are clean, organised, have decent service, above average food, easy-on-the-eye interior decoration, and a bunch of people to carry your bags, open doors, and do all the other stuff you don't want to.

Often, it takes me a while to work out just what makes a hotel special. But sometimes it's blatantly served up on a silver platter - and the Cape Royale is one of those hotels where its uniqueness shone from the first time I entered the hotel: I have never seen such attention to detail before, nor pure willingness to be better.

As I said before, most hotels are clean, but there is not a mark in the Cape Royale that shouldn't be there. The finishes to the decoration inside the building are superb - understated yet classy (think Bishops Court versus something like Century City) - and are maintained to a degree I can hardly fathom. There is nae mark on window, smudge on elevator door, nor stray hair on carpet.

I slid in on a Friday afternoon and moved seamlessly through the checking in process, was escorted by a butler to a 120sqm 2-bedroom suite and shown around the room. The Cape Royale focuses on creating a home environment, as opposed to a hotel room, so aside from what you'd usually expect, add a fully-equipped kitchen, washing machine, dishwasher and so on. The detail goes all the way down to having a hotel room key instead of swipe-cards. Week long stays in normal hotels feel exactly like that. A long stay at the Cape Royale offers a true home-like base.

Staying here during the World Cup works. Although Somerset Road (on which it is situated) will be closed on match days, it has access to High Level Road behind the hotel which will get you to anywhere you need to be, including Cape Town's central road, Buitengracht. It is also well within walking distance of the stadium - if you fell down outside the door your nose would almost be touching it. The only requirement to a World Cup stay here is a minimum of 3-nights - rates are set at usual peak levels, so no rip-off.

Another excellent attraction of the Cape Royale that needs to be waxed on about: free cab rides within 5km of the hotel. This distance includes the Waterfront, Long Street, Parliament, Green Point, Sea Point and gets you close to Signal Hill and the Table Mountain Cableway.

The spa here is something notable. While most hotels boast spas, this one at the Cape Royale offers guests a free 20-minute massage - a high-quality preview, if you will. I don't know much about spas, but after having my back muscles squashed around by skilled hands, I'd certainly say the preview was enticing...

I spent a relaxing evening in the room. I wanted to experience it properly - Green Point was buzzing below but the soundproof windows kept all the noise out. I switched on the flatscreen TV and browsed DSTV without much luck, so I whacked a DVD into the player provided and drank a glass of wine on the comfortable couch in the giant central space of this room.

I perused my notes I'd made so far - it didn't surprise me in the least that the Cape Royale had won a World Luxury Hotel award in 2009 and a Travellers Choice Award this year. In fact, I was surprised that it hadn't cleaned up all award ceremonies in which it had been entered.

The hotel has the bog-standard facilities, but all contain that little bit extra, continuing with the amazing impression created as one enters the door. There's a pool, but it's situated on top of the building with eye-orgasmic views, a stocked and beautiful bar, comfortable sun-loungers and TV screens. Conference and business facilities are provided, but they can seat more people than most hotels, provide soundproof rooms, look out onto the Atlantic Seaboard and have comparable rates - including catering etc - with just about any spot in Cape Town.

It is this obsession with being that much better than everywhere else that makes the Cape Royale stand out - arguably as Cape Town's top hotel.

This was first published for GoTravel24.com.

The great South African rip-off

This was first published for GoTravel24.com.

Note: this article was written 6 months before the World Cup - before criticism had reached the ears of the South African tourism industry who changed their rip-offy ways.

I cannot fathom how anyone could have expected the FIFA-sanctioned Great South African rip-off to have resulted in such capitalist excess, which neatly coincides with a football tournament. Tourism companies are licking their greedy lips, ready to fleece foreigners of every pound, dollar and peso they can get their gluttonous fingers on.

It starts with getting around: naturally, because of the size of our country, air travel will be key in ferrying football fans. However, a search I did recently for return fares from Johannesburg to Cape Town on all SA domestic airlines (23-30 June) revealed that the cheapest possible price was R4038 with Kulula.com. The cheapest SAA flight was R7260, usually an amount of money that can carry you a lot further - it is virtually what you are charged to fly direct between Johannesburg and London.

As if it couldn't get worse, there are accusations of collusion now flying between the Competition Commission and our domestic airlines. In simple language: price-fixing. At the time of writing, 1Time, Mango and Comair (which includes British Airways and Kulula) have already denied any collusion, but SAA have upturned the apple-cart with an application for leniency from the Commission as a reward for passing over emails it maintains could act as evidence. It doesn't look great.

And, as a cherry on top, Airports Company South Africa has asked for a 100% increase in airport charges over two years, which, luckily, was rejected yesterday. It would have, in some instances, resulted in driving the tax up to over 50% of your ticket.

Accommodation will be no better. I know of a lodge which usually charges R130 per night for a bed in a dormitory. For June and July, this will be knocked up to as much as R300 per night. Never has the hotel industry been this prepared to score so much, including the legal distributor of WC2010 accommodation, a FIFA-appointed company called Match which will be charging providers an alleged 30% commission on all bed-nights sold - driving prices up even further. And as these hoteliers sing and dance around their well-maintained lobbies celebrating their exorbitant fortunes-to-be, they are doing our country a massive disservice.

Our failure here is that this money-grabbing overload has absolutely no long-term benefit for South Africa. People who are ripped off will not come back. It is that simple. They will tell their friends not to come here. They will write reviews of how they were charged R2100 to spend a week in one of 14 beds in a dorm, after parting with something mortgage-like to fund their plane ticket.

Two reasons that SA is regarded as a top tourist destination: our transport infrastructure is good (in terms of air travel) and we're cheap. Well, due to our upcoming obsession with thrashing every tourist's credit card to within an inch of its life, no one will be able to afford the flights (do you really want our visitors driven around by Roadlink?), the places to stay, and I don't even want to think about how much the private taxi industry is going try and gorge itself out of the deal.

SA Tourism needs to get involved if we are to stave off a new reputation of being nothing other than money-grabbing sharks. We are known for our hospitality, and this will do us no favours in entrenching the South Africa brand. No-one is denying the tourism industry the right to profit, but to let such excess run wild will present us with nothing sustainable from the biggest advertising campaign we will ever undergo.

This is our opportunity to show what we're all about. If we want to present an image of thieves and profiteers, then we should continue as we are unabated, and screw every cent out of whoever we can get our greedy claws into.

This was first published for GoTravel24.com.